Why You Need to Stop “Shoulding” All Over Yourself

Using the word “should” might seem harmless, but it actually breeds shame, guilt, and a cycle of negativity that holds you back from making positive changes. If you haven’t been paying attention, it’s time to start. You might be surprised at how often you say “should” each day, and how deeply it affects your mindset. The good news? Changing your language is easier than you think.

The Trap of “Should”

When you constantly say “I should,” you’re reinforcing a sense of guilt. You feel guilty about what you believe you’re supposed to be doing, and that guilt fuels a cycle of shame. Instead of motivating you to take action, this mindset often leaves you feeling worse, and less likely to actually do the thing you “should” be doing.

For instance, when you wake up sick, you might think, “I should go to work.” But the reality is, you’re unwell, and the responsible thing is to call your boss and let them know you won’t be coming in. In this case, the “should” stems from a sense of responsibility and genuine consequence—like keeping your job.

Contrast this with, “I should go to the gym.” This statement drips with self-judgment. Do you actually want to go to the gym, or is there a deeper goal you’re working toward, like getting healthier or feeling stronger? Instead of saying, “I should go,” try, “I have the opportunity to go to the gym today.” This simple shift removes shame and introduces choice and empowerment.

Aligning with Your Values

The word “should” often indicates misalignment with your values or true desires. When you say, “I should go to the gym, but I should also rest,” you’re stuck in indecision. The key is to clarify what truly matters. Do you want to feel well-rested and healthy? How can you make that happen?

If your goal is to feel strong and vibrant, focus on that vision. “I want to fit into that beautiful dress in my closet because it makes me feel confident and happy.” Then say, “Today, I can go to the gym because it supports what I genuinely want.” This approach replaces pressure with possibility.

Turning Guilt into Growth

Every moment is an opportunity to learn, grow, and be the person you truly want to be. When you stop “shoulding” all over yourself, you begin to see each decision as a chance to align with your values. Instead of guilt, you’ll find clarity and motivation.

Try this: For the next 24 hours, be mindful of every time you say “should,” “have to,” or “must.” Pause, and ask yourself:

• Where is this feeling coming from—fear, obligation, or genuine desire?

• Is there another way to express this thought?

• How can I reframe this as an opportunity instead of a burden?

For example, replace “I should clean the house” with “I can create a clean and peaceful space for myself today.” This shift fosters a sense of choice and empowerment, rather than dread.

Make Mindful Choices

It takes time to change deeply ingrained language patterns, but with mindfulness, it gets easier. Start using “I want” or “I can” instead of “I should.” Ask yourself if what you’re considering aligns with your values. If not, give yourself permission to let it go without guilt or shame.

Remember, life isn’t about fulfilling some invisible checklist of what you’re “supposed” to do. It’s about living joyfully, authentically, and in alignment with what truly matters to you.

The Challenge

For the next 24 hours, pay close attention to when you say “should.” Stop, reflect, and reframe your thought. Instead of “I should,” say, “I can” or “I want.” Notice how this shift affects your mood, motivation, and overall sense of well-being.

The only thing you’re truly “supposed” to do is live a wonderful, happy life. You deserve it. So, stop “shoulding” all over yourself, and discover the freedom and joy of choosing what you genuinely want.